Alexandria Bates: Man Killer
by TessNoelle
Summary: This is not actually a cross-over, but an original fic. that I wrote while I was on a plane. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously. It is a COMEDY ish thing. ALEXANDRIA BATES: MAN KILLER!
1. The Movies From Hell

Alexandria Bates: Man Killer

Chapter One: The Movies from Hell

The theme song to Jaws began to play in the background. "I just LOVE this movie," said Kevin. "I'm sure you do," mumbled Alexandria. For the umpteenth time tonight, Alexandria wondered why she had ever agreed to go on a date with Kevin. He was about as low as you could get; he wasn't smart, athletic, nice, or even good-looking.

"Hey Alexandria?" asked Kevin.

"Kevin. I am going to tell you this one more time. Call me Alex, ok?"

"But Alexandria is such a beautiful name, Alexandria," Kevin said, the sweetness so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"God damnit!" yelled Alex, immediately shushed by the fat guy in the row behind her. He was holding extra-large popcorn. "Typical," muttered Alex under her breath.

"Anything wrong babe?"

"N-," Alex started to say when she suddenly had an idea," Actually, yes, there is. This horrible, fat man, ("Hey!" cried the unnamed fat man), is bothering me."

"I'm so sorry Alexandria. Let's go."

"Why would be leave if you could just rough him up a bit for me? Then we could come back and watch the movie."

"I'm not sure if that's the best idea…" muttered Kevin.

"Why ever not?" Now it was Alex's time to be sickly sweet.

"Well, I suppose I could give it a shot…"

"That's my honeykins," Alex cooed as she tried not to let it show how much she hated him.

"Alright then skinny boy, outside!" said the fat man as he struggled to rise.

The group stood up and left the movie theater, grabbing the customary wristbands from the usher that would allow them to re-enter the theater, though Alex knew that none of them would. They walked until they were out of the glow being cast by the street light. As crime and violence were so high in this town, the cops were extra diligent about fights. Even if they were between a middle-aged fat man and a skinny, zit-covered boy. The two previously listed losers began to circle each other.

"This is going to take all night if I don't do something," muttered Alex. "Hit him, Kevin!" she cried, resuming her scared, helpless act.

With a sudden burst of courage, Kevin ran head on at the fat man. He hit him so hard on impact that he was momentarily gathered in the man's fat rolls before he hit the ground unconscious. The fat man, apparently stupid too, seemed to take awhile to realize that he had won. As he did, a stupid grin spread across his face. He had teeth missing.

"I almost feel bad killing him," mumbled Alex, "So pathetic."

"Hey girly, since your little friend over here isn't gonna be waking up for a while, how about you and I go somewhere."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, give me a little somethin-somethin," the stupid grin growing wider.

"You know what," said Alex in a menacing tone as she approached the fat man, drawing back her fist," I don't think I feel that bad about killing you after all."

And with that, Alex plunged her fist into the man's heart and ripped it out of his chest before he could even register what she had said. He fell to the ground, surrounded by pools of blood, with the same stupid grin stretched across his face.


	2. The Man Who Wouldn't Die

Alexandria Bates: Man Killer

Chapter Two: The Man Who Took Too Long To Die

Alexandria ran through the night, making sure to keep to the shadows as she cleaned the fat man's blood off her hand. Once she was satisfied that her hand was clean , she scaled the apartment building to her right, making sure to leave traces of blood as she went with the hand she had left dirty, until she reached the 8th floor, (Alexandria hated the number eight. In fact, it was her least favorite number). She expertly jimmied open the window into the hallway, and began to walk, leaving traces of blood as she went, until she reached the door she wanted: Apartment 88. She opened the door.

"Stupid man for taking this apartment number," she thought.

Taking the bloody rag, she rubbed it against the sleeping man's hands, before placing the rag in his trashcan. And with that, she left for her home.

The next morning, Alex turned on the news. As she had expected, the main story was about a dead fat man, an unconscious teenager being taken in for questioning, thought the boy seemed to have been hit so hard on the head that he couldn't remember what had happened, and a truck driver who had been taken in after blood matching the dead man's had been found in his apartment building. He was being tried for third degree murder, of which the penalty was death. Satisfied, she turned off the T.V. As long as the man was committed, she would be fulfilled enough to stop killing men for about three days. Until she was sure that he was going to die though, she was going to keep killing men that she felt deserved it. Otherwise her grief would overwhelm her from when her boyfriend had broken her heart years ago. He had been perfect: never doing a thing wrong, almost angelic. In fact, that's exactly what he was, an angel. It wasn't even considered a sin for him to leave her, the devil had informed her when she first went to him for guidance, because by leaving her he was trying to help her quit being an alcoholic. As she remembered this horrible memory, she took a swig of vodka, finishing off the bottle. It was only 9:00 am. She was drinking less than usual, so she opened up another bottle. You see, when Johannes had left her she had done the opposite of what he wanted by turning to more alcohol and violence.

A week went by with no news about the verdict for the man who lived in Apartment 88. Alex had passed the week in a drunken rage over this by killing more and more men and drinking more and more alcohol. Finally, eight days after the incident, (the fact that it was eight days irritated the drunken Alexandria so much that she threw her microwave out the window so it would hit a man who was walking his bichon. Alex hated bichons) news station announced that the man had been pronounced guilty, as he had an alibi. Alex was stunned for a moment before fury consumed her. She immediately left her house and headed to the man's apartment, only to discover that he wasn't there. After a moment's aggravation, she decided that the best way to kill him without getting her hands too dirty 

would be to just blow up the apartment building. At first she felt bad about killing all of the other people, but then realized that it was their fault for living in the same building as the man, and therefore deserved to die.

After heading to her local convenience store and picking up a simple, remote-activated bomb, (I told you this was a poor neighborhood), she went back to the man's home and set everything up. Then she went to the neighboring building and waited for the man to arrive.

A few hours later, Alexandria's patience was rewarded. As the man entered his house, he found a note taped to a cardboard box. Puzzled, he picked up the not to read:

_Dear Man Who Will Not Die,_

_I know that you are for sure innocent, for I am the one who killed the man and made it look like you were to blame. You should have been committed. I mean, you DESERVE to DIE. Why you may ask? Because you live on floor 8 in Apartment #88. I HATE the number 8. Do you know why? Because my ex is an angel. He was an angel for 8 years when he left me on August (the eighth month in case you're stupid…I don't really know that much about you. I'm hoping you're not stupid. It's much more fun to kill the smart ones) 8__th__. Did you know he also had bichons? This doesn't really matter to you does it. I mean, you're going to die no matter what you do. I left you a present so you'll have happy memories when you die._

_ Love Always,_

_Alexandria Bates: Man Killer_

The man was stunned and scared, but since he loved presents and wanted to die happy, he opened the box. Alexandria saw this and pushed the button.

"Damn…He was a stupid one after all."


End file.
